Kimye is at war! No, we’re not talking about a small 3rd world nation embroiled in civil war, we’re talking about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West arguing with each other, which is way worse in a completely untrue sort of way. What are they fighting about? Well tattoos of course! Why else would we be talking about it folks? Come on, get with the program! Anyhow, pop culture’s prime power couple is reportedly having some turmoil over some ink that one of them wants and the other doesn’t. Reports state that Kanye approached his baby’s mother about getting a “K” on each of their wrists…because you know, it’s the first letter of both of their first names…very creative! Kim initially agreed to the point that Kanye lined up an appointment with his favorite tattoo artist, but when they got there she got cold feet. Kanye sees this as an an insult, and they’ve now been at odds about it for a bit. We’d like to think that a fight over a tattoo that neither person has, especially when you consider that one of the people doesn’t have any ink to begin with, wouldn’t last too long. However, celebrities are insane, and a break-up over a tattoo wouldn’t even be on the list of craziest things that one of them has ever done. This isn’t the first time the two have considered getting ink together, so maybe it’s a bigger issue than it seems. We’ll keep an eye on this situation folks, and if it leads to two people who have a baby (North West) breaking up, we’ll tell you all about the insanity.
Also, in other Kimye tattoo news, and in other insanity news for that matter: some borderline crazy (we’re being really nice with our use of the word “borderline”) Kanye West fan decided to show her feelings about the happy couple with a tattoo! The “Kimye Over” ink that sits on the back of a woman who legally changed her name to Kanyaresa West pretty much speaks for itself…in the same way that sending someone a teddy bear with the head cut off “speaks for itself”. She needs laser treatments and Kanye needs a restraining order!
When a man whose body is covered with everything from skulls to koi fish gets a new tattoo, it isn’t always news. However, when said tattoo is a gigantic back piece that could theoretically become irrelevant with a simple contract snafu, it’s kind of a big deal. Case in point: Cleveland Browns’ Wide Receiver and fantasy football superstar Josh Gordon, who recently decided that despite having a long history of league suspensions (any one of which could get him cut from his squad despite his All-Pro stat line), he would get his number inked across his entire back. The giant “12″ and his name mimic the look of his current jersey, and they actually look great, like truly wonderfully done, they just maintain a small chance of becoming invalid if he ever plays for another team and can’t get his number back. Imagine that, his career is winding down and he signs with a team on the cusp of success because, let’s be honest folks, he’s not winning a Superbowl with The Browns. However, this new squad (let’s just call them “The New York Giants” because ummmmmm we like them) has a 23 year old superstar who wears the number twelve, and he’s not giving it to Gordon. So now you have a guy whose career is almost over, playing off the bench and rocking a tattoo that makes him look less like a star and more like a fan of his new teammate. Of course, this won’t happen because Gordon is the kind of player who will retire before he goes out like that, and not a lot of people wear the number twelve, so he’s probably safe no matter what. So why did we just spend an entire paragraph talking about a situation that’s never going to happen? Because when someone gets a great tattoo there’s not much to say other than, “Hey man, nice tattoo.” That would be a terrible article.
If we had to named the least annoying females in the Kardashian-Jenner empire, we guess we’d have to go Kendall and Kylie Jenner. How many of you thought we were going to say Bruce? We thought we’d do it to, but we’re suckers for patriots and therefore will never truly smack talk an Olympic Hero. So anyhow, Bruce’s daughter bother us the least out of all the kids, as they’ve used their unwarranted fame as reality stars to launch modeling careers that they might’ve had anyway, and they don’t seem to be nearly as entitled and horrendously self centered as their older sisters. Granted, they do hang around Justin Bieber and Harry Styles and are therefore never going to be totally okay in our view, but they’re not so bad otherwise…they also have Bruce Jenner blood in them, so at any given moment they could spontaneously win a gold medal in some sport no one watches except when the Olympics are on and become heroes to us all. Also, they might someday be covered in tattoos, so we’ve gotta be cool with them.
So now you might ask: “What makes you think that they will someday be covered in ink?” Well folks, the fact that they’ve entered their “Ohhhh you’re such a good artist Karen, draw a tattoo on meeeee!!” stage makes us think that they might have some actual tattoos in their future. Just to clarify, we’re assuming that they have an artistic friend named Karen, and she really likes to do fake tattoos with a Sharpie marker on her friends. So Karen did some surprisingly solid work on the Jenner sisters, because Kylie was showing off a little gun design on her side recently, and Kendall was rocking a steer skull on her finger; both looked pretty real in pictures. The act of getting fake tattoos after the age of 18 is of course kind of stupid, since one can legally get a real piece of body art at that point in their life, but whatever, Kendall got something put on her body that we could see being sold at a rest stop in New Mexico (the kind that you see signs for all over the highway, so you get really excited for it, but when you get there all they sell is weird Navajo blankets and fireworks…we’re looking at you “South Of The Border”), so she gets weird point for that. Her little sister, while too young for a real tattoo, isn’t too young for dumb ideas and got a handgun on her ribs…because you know, she’s so street. Ugh, that’s terrible, but she’s a kid, so whatever. We’re looking forward to these two getting actual tattoos someday
Cara Delvingne isn’t someone who really exists on our radar here at the ole’ tattoo parlor, but when she popped up, she made an impact. We don’t know much about the Victoria’s Secret model and overall star of the runway, but we like what we do know. What is it that we know? We know that despite being a professional good looking person, she’s made it a point to cover herself in ink. Her agent and all of her representatives have gotten upset about it time and time again, but she doesn’t let them get in the way of her love for body art. She could be risking her whole career, but she doesn’t care, she just keeps getting tats, and even though she’s not a fighter or a rocker or a hero, she’s pretty hardcore for doing what she wants with her body. She’s reportedly up to ten pieces of art on her skin, let’s discuss the ones we know about!Her most noticeable pieces are the ones on her hands. She has a really well done tiger on one of her fingers (this thing is very artistic and isn’t small; good piece), what appear to be her initials on the side of her hand (simple but well done, also not small), and the word “silence” on her wrist (super simple and probably some sort of misplaced existential meaning, but not offensively bad at all). This trio is pretty solid, and we respect the work all around. She also has work on the rest of her upper body, as she has her mom’s name, “Pandora”, on her bicep (we never have a problem with mom tats, they deserve the recognition), a roman numeral “XII” on her ribs (she supposedly drew it herself and it’s her lucky number; not impressed, but not annoyed, that’s a rough spot for ink so she gets respect), and “now I’m a warrior” on her left shoulder blade (simple lettering; fine by us). She also went hard and got “Made in England” done on the bottom of her foot (dumb placement, but okay subject matter), and a southern cross around her ear (it’s a constellation and it surrounds her ear, she gets points for bold placement). She’s also getting more ink by the day at this point, so we’re missing at least two of her tats. If you know them, hit us up in the comments and let us know. Overall, we’re cool with the body of tattoos on the body of Cara Delvingne, and we’re even cooler with how hardcore she is about getting them. Keep up the good work Cara!
Justin Bieber is back at it again folks. No, not acting like a brat…wait, he did that too apparently, but we’re trying to focus on his new tattoo…wait, he acted like a big baby while getting one of his new tattoos? Okay, so we’re here today to talk about a few pieces of Justin Bieber tattoo news…none of them make us happy, as does nothing that the “Baby” singer does. The kid just isn’t good at being famous. Yes, he does a ton of charity stuff and that’s admirable, but so did Mother Teresa, and you don’t hear any stories about her peeing in mop buckets, or being crappy to service industry people, or trying to punch strangers in the face. Odds are pretty strong that he does most of his charity work because his public relations people and his agent (Scooter McBraun) tell him that it’s good for his image. Okay, let’s stop ranting for a moment and talk about the “news”…
So we’ll start with the part where Bieber acted like a tool; it was after getting a tattoo, so it’s within our scope. Aparently, there’s tattoo artists (at least one that we know of) who won’t work with the Biebs anymore because he haggles over price after the artist is done. Yes folks, that’s right; he gets ink and then after it’s on him and the artist has already done work that can’t be taken back, he tries to get his work done cheaper. Thar’s scummy on so many levels that you could build an apartment building dedicated to it. He’s worse than the people who ask for refunds on bad food after they’ve eaten it! Our office was in an uproar when we heard this news, but we were completely underwhelmed when we saw his new tattoo. It’s of an eagle, and it’s well done, but it doesn’t really knock our socks off. We’re more interested in why he was wearing jeans in a bathtub while “recovering” from his ink. Maybe he wanted to get clean pants and wash his upper body at the same time, but he was probably just really into linoleum that day.
Once again folks, we have to start out this article by pointing out that we’re all for stupid tattoos…because we’re about to give someone guff for getting one. For starters, let’s give you a “Family Guy” SPOILER ALERT so that the armies of the interweb don’t mount up against us. Did you heed our warning? If you did, you’re not even reading this part, so this doesn’t make sense to be writing…sorry, the entire office just got a headache. Anyhow, most of you know that a recent episode of the hit Seth Mcfarlain cartoon series saw the brutal death of beloved family dog Brian Griffin. He got hit by a car and was replaced by a dog named Vince, but you know that already, and you also know that within a month, a Christmas wish from baby genius Stewie brought him back to the land of the living. Most people saw this coming, because as the shows creator himself pointed out, they’d have to be high to kill off Brian. However, despite the less than one month turn around from death the resurrection, at least one loyal fan decided to memorialize the fallen pooch on his body. Yup, despite it being a cartoon known for its lack of continuity, and despite the rumors from day one that Brian would be brought back (episode synopsis alone all but screamed out that he’d be back), somebody decided to get a picture of him with “RIP” under it. In the guy’s defense, it’s a great looking piece, but it’s just not very accurate. If he loves the show enough to get that tattoo, he must’ve known that Brian would be coming back, so maybe he just didn’t care, or lost a bet, or won a bet, or had a friend named “Brian” and wanted to link the two; whatever his reasoning, that thing is there for life, so we hope he likes it. We’d love to know if he’s going to edit it, maybe switch the “RIP” to “TRIP”, because maybe that’s what he was on when he made the decision to get it. Zing! Take that random guy from the internet!
This one is going to upset some of you folks, because it sure as heck upset us! Recent reports have surfaced claiming to have discovered Lisa Vanderpump’s hidden tattoo, but we’re not going to accept them. We’re sure by now you’ve looked at the photos on this page, taken while she was getting her nails done, and assumed that the little peanut on her ankle is the “tattoo” in question; you’re right, but we’re not going to give her any credit. The thing on the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star’s lower leg is definitely an ink mark put into her skin by an electric needle, sure, we’ll give her that. However, that “piece” represents one of our least favorite things in the world: tattoos so small that they might as well not exist. It’s suspected that the little niblet is a heart of some sort (looks more like some kind of play on the infinity symbol to us), but whatever it is obviously isn’t important enough to take up real space. If it means a lot to her and it’s for something special, than we’re sorry if we upset her, but it’s hard for us to believe that it’s anything that important when it’s barely visible. Ink like this just screams ”I want to say I’m tattooed but don’t really want to commit to getting a real tattoo”, and we are strongly against non-committal tattoo work. The whole point of getting ink is that you’re marking yourself permanently, that you’re committing to having something on your body. So when you half-ass a tattoo, it shows us that you don’t really mean it. Look, we all have tattoos that we aren’t happy with, but they remind us of times in our life and where we came from, and if they’re bad they remind us that we’ve made mistakes. Getting a piece that small breaks our code, and we’re not happy about that. In her defense, she doesn’t actually show it off, so she’s not looking for credit, but to those who are trying to say that “she has a wild side” or a “hidden past”: drop it, that tattoo only shows that she doesn’t go big.
Nothing says “Happy Thanksgiving” like a turkey tattoo! Wait…what? Yes folks, that’s right, people actually have turkey tattoos…tattoos…of farm birds. When we decided to look into the idea of tattoos designed after the staple dish of Thanksgiving, we figured that we’d find at least a few pictures of people crazy enough to get gobblers inked on their bodies, but we never thought that there’d be enough of them that we could say that we’re showing you “only some of them”! Apparently, there’s a ton of people in this world who have decided that of all of the things that they could permanently place on their bodies, creatures famous for being dumb enough to accidentally drown themselves during rain storms (we’re unsure if that’s a real fact or an urban legend, but that doesn’t weaken our resolve to write it in the slightest) are on the top of the list. We have to admit, a lot of the designs that we’ve seen are actually very well done, but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re tattoos of freaking turkeys. We figure that all of these pieces fall into one of two categories: 1) They’re to commemorate a life began on a farm, a farm that had a turkey that we will assume helped the tattooed through a rough time in his or her life, most likely with hilarious consequences (bonus points if the turkey can talk). 2) Someone got really drunk the night before Thanksgiving and has terrible friends who didn’t stop them from paying to have a barn buzzard scarred onto their skin. Unfortunately, most of the tattoos on this page probably fall into the later category. Regardless of why people got them, we’re just happy that turkey tattoos are a thing, and we hope that people keep getting them during drunken Thanksgiving Eve bad decision fests. Why? Because cornucopia tattoos would be way more stupid.
We’re losing one folks! Another member of the tattooed community has decided to forsake their ink and lead a life of plain skin; we can’t hate her for the decision, only wish her the best. The soon to be former tattooed person we’re talking about today is Kelly Osbourne. The daughter of Ozzy and Sharon (who most of us still only refer to as “SHARON!!” in honor of Ozzy’s epic annunciation of her name during their time as reality stars) has found success in recent years as a member of the “Fashion Police” and as an overall trend setter, becoming more famous to younger generations than even her rock legend father. In fact, for those of you who are too young to understand, Ozzy Osbourne was the lead singer of Black Sabbath, one of the greatest…aw screw it, he was the original singer of that song from the commercial where the little kids sing acapella in the jeep. Whatever, Kelly is really famous now, going from somewhat troubled, out-casted, and overweight teen to cultural icon, and as she completes her transition to the next phase of her life (one that will soon include marriage), she’s decided that she’s over her ink and has begun to process of getting most of her fifteen tattoos removed. She began the lengthy endeavor in early November of 2013 by starting laser treatments for the keyboard tattoo on her right forearm. She says that she got it while depressed and that it doesn’t mean the same thing to her anymore, so we assume that’s why it’s the first one on the block. We’ve heard varying accounts of the pain associated with laser tattoo removal, with some of our toughest friends saying it’s a nightmare and some of our softest buddies saying it was a walk in the park. We have to imagine that the pain has to do with the inks placement, the coloring, and one’s skin type. If you’re the type who sunburns easily, having a laser literally melt your flesh probably won’t feel too great. We’ve yet to figure out if Osbourne is now against ink in general, or if she just doesn’t think that it’s for her. Her Tweet about the removal was to the effect of “I did the crime, now I’m doing the time.”, which seems anti-ink to us, but she doesn’t seem like the type to just go against something like that, so maybe it’s just a poor choice of words. We guess time will tell, and if we see her bad mouthing body art on “Fashion Police”, we’ll know where she stands. Regardless, we wish Kelly the best of luck with her procedures!
Lady Gaga is really good at sticking out. Whether it’s her classic meat-suit or the sorcerer’s gauntlet thingy that she’s wearing on her hand in the above photo, she’s always doing something to separate herself from the rest of the pack. With that said, it should come as no surprise that her recent tattoo (one of many) wasn’t the standard run-of-the-mill ink that most other pop starlets get. No, it wasn’t your classic Miley Cyrus “Look how rebellious I am” poem, or you Selena Gomez-esque “It’s a bird because I want to spend my whole life flying free, aren’t I interesting” piece; instead it’s a prison tattoo. No, not a picture of Folsum or Alcatraz (although now that we think about it, it’d be a great idea to get a picture like that inked on one of our arms and than when people ask about it respond “that’s my prison tat”), but instead a tattoo done in the classic style of prison inking. Well that’s a lie, we don’t think that it was done with a broken pen and a heroine needle, but it was instead done to resemble the kind of work that one would get during a stay at the never-leave hotel. Done while on a trip to Brazil, the piece says “RIO”, but the “I” is replaced with a crucifix; it’s based on a design that a fan made for her. It’s not terrible looking, and in fact it gets the point across about the whole prison thing, but we can’t help but not like it that much. We dig the idea of getting something that a fan made for her inked on her neck permanently (did we leave the neck part out before? It makes the whole thing a lot more “prisony”), but we can’t help but point out that LADY GAGA HAS NEVER BEEN TO PRISON! It’s not something you can really fake the funk on, and not something that people of high moral fiber are usually proud of. It’s different, we’ll give her that, but she’s kind of crossing a poser line with this one, and we don’t like it. Now if she got it done in a back alley by a guy named “Roach” with a broken printer cartridge and a safety pin, maybe we’d be impressed, but for now, we’re not fans of Gaga’s new Poker Face…neck…we tried to get that song in there, sorry.