In her own words ”I know that the two is high and in H2O the two is supposed to be low.” So folks, before we go any further, let’s give “X-Men: Apocalypse” some credit for admitting that she went and got herself a bad tattoo. Her new ink is supposed to be an “H2O” in proper scientific form, and it was done super faded on purpose to represent her “watered down rebellion”. However, it came out both inaccurate and way too terrible to get the point across. We doubt that she’ll have it removed, because bad tattoos get just as much press as good tattoos; probably more. Also, she can just say it’s a birthmark.
Kanye West has some new tattoos, and according to her wife Kim Kardashian, they were almost in the most awesomely bad of places. On a recent trip to London, the “Yeezus” artist and hater of all things Beck and Taylor Swift related decided to pay a 4am visit to the Sang Bleu tattoo parlor for a little body art. According to Kim, Kanye wanted to have the new ink put on his face, right up by his hairline. He even had the artist stencil designs onto him before his large bottomed love convinced him to put the ink onto his wrists instead. The final products were the birthdays of his beloved mother and his baby daughter n roman numerals, and they look great. To be honest, I’m a bit disappointed that he didn’t get his face done; that would’ve been the perfect level of insanity for my tastes. Well, he’s bound to snap and get something put on his grill someday, and now that he’s got his sweet ideas out of the way, maybe he’ll get a really weird tattoo on his forehead…a man can dream folks.
Let’s add Benji Madden of “Good Charlotte” and “guy with tattoos who used to be more relevant but still has enough money to hang around fancy bars and date celebrities” fame to the list of dudes who have gotten their significant other’s name inked on them. The rocker recently got the name “Cameron” tattooed across his chest in honor of his new wife Cameron Diaz (“Annie”; “Being John Malcovich”; “Bad Teacher”), and while it’s a well done piece of body art, I’m never too huge of a fan of the idea in general.
In his defense, Madden has a ton of ink already, so even if he turns out regretting his new ink because of a divorce, at least it will just kind of blend in with the rest of his tats and make for an easy cover up. The same can’t be said for people like Dean Mcdermott, that dude has a big ole’ Tori Spelling face on his arm…for the rest of his life…forever.
Celebrities love to stick out, it’s why they go out and get famous in the first place: they have a desire to stand out in the crowd. However, for some celebrities it’s not enough to just be famous, they have to be famous and weird at the same time. That’s like trying to be the biggest elephant; you’re already bigger than the other animals, now you want to be the biggest of the big! Elephant talk aside, some celebrities like to get tattooed with some weird stuff; whether it’s because they want to be even more notable, or because they just feel like being strange. Take “Jackass” star and legendary stuntman Steve-O, who got his own autographed photo inked on his back as a stunt for one of his movies. The tattoo is actually really well done, but it’s still extremely weird and completely crazy. Tattooing a face on yourself might not be as weird as getting yourself a face tattoo though…Yup, Gucci Mane has an ice cream cone tattooed on his face in honor of his song “Icy”…that’s pretty much an act of insanity. He’s known for being a bit of a loose cannon, he’s been to jail multiple times, and a face tattoo is a classic sign of an impulsive person. He doesn’t seem to regret his facial ink though, and that’s awesome for him, because tattoos are forever, so are childhood loves of literature…Ryan Gosling (“Drive”) has the cover of the book “The Giving Tree” on his left shoulder and it’s a pretty strange tattoo with an explanation that’s…uhhhh…off. He says that he got the tattoo because his mom used to read the Shel Silverstein classic to him when he was a child, but that he thinks the book is messed up and he would never want to be the Giving Tree because the boy uses him up until he’s a stump. Speaking of “stump”, we’re stumped in regards to the reasoning behind this tattoo…Yup, that’s a really bad tattoo of Ryan Gosling’s face, and it’s on “On The Way Down” singer Ryan Cabrera’s leg. It was allegedly chosen by his friends after losing a bet, and it’s pretty terrible, and actually looks a lot more like Ryan Reynolds. Speaking of Ryan Reynolds…just kidding, he wouldn’t get a weird tattoo, but we all know that Miley Cyrus would…Okay, the tattoo is of her dog, who passed a way a while back, so we can’t argue with the sentiment, but the tattoo itself is a bit whacky looking. Maybe she could’ve just gotten a normal picture of the ole’ boy. Weird or not, we will never not like a dog-lover’s dog tribute. We don’t like ice cream lovers’ tributes though…“Stay With Me” singer Sam Smith has this ice cream cone inked on his leg, and we don’t like it…that’s really all that we have to say about that. Let’s do one more picture for a pallet cleanser…Celebrities even like to stick out when they already stick out, Lady Gaga’s showing off her unicorn tattoo in the above picture to prove it. At the end of the day we’re just having fun folks, and anything that someone, famous or not, wants to ink on their body is their business. It’s just our business to give them crap about it…especially that ice cream cone on Sam Smith, that thing really bothers us for some reason.
Let’s start things with some truth folks: No matter how tough, or deep, or angry you say you are, you’re not the first person to ever get a tattoo. No folks, despite what some angsty twenty-somethings will tell you, tattoos aren’t some new awesome thing that makes us different from the generations before us. They may be a little more acceptable now than they used to be, but people have been getting them for all sorts of reasons since about as far back as we’ve been able to trace life as a whole. For example: a corpse recovered from all the way back in the neolithic era was found to have preserved skin (it was recovered in a block of ice in 1991, right about the time every television show decided to feature frozen-caveman subplots), and on that skin were a few tattooed marks. The tats were apparently part of an old school acupuncture process, so they were used for healing rather than design, but that doesn’t make them”not tattoos”. The modern art of tattooing goes back to the Tahitian art of “Tatau”, and was brought into the “civilized” world by sailors who visited the island. That work, done with simple needles and hammers, evolved into what we have today with the advent of the double-coil tattoo gun in the late 1800s. It’s already evolved further, as ravers have been getting “invisible” black-light tattoos ( they get them for sho; they aren’t visible in daylight and show up glowing under black-lights) for years now, but where’s it all headed? Well, just like humanity, tattoos are still evolving folks, and just like us, they’re getting more and more tech savvy.
The future of tattoos, like the futures of us all, is one rooted in technological advancement. A few years back, Nokia patented a type of fero-magnetic ink that can be manipulated with magnetic fields. The ink reacts to cell signals and creates an effect where the tattooed feel their phones ringing through their skin. So yeah, that one is kind of useless for now, but other future tats are more helpful. For instance, the LED tattoos that are being developed with someday allow diabetics to get an on-the-body blood sugar reading, while “epidural electronic” technology will involve small electronics being “tattooed” into your skin and doing things like monitoring your heart or letting you know when you’re getting a sunburn. Basically, the important advancements in tattooing will be less tattoos, and more under-the-skin implants. There are other advancements in straight up body-art, but they mostly involve tats that move (like GIF images) and ink that shows up different on cell phone screens. These advancements are currently far too costly to go mainstream, so we expect medical tech tats to become popular long before traditional ink tattoos get replaced with fancy body cartoons.
Like all art and technology, tattoos are ever changing and always growing as a medium, but their beauty lies in their simplicity. In our humble opinions, even when the word “tattoo” starts to mean all sorts of different things in the future, there will still be plenty of people who just want to get regular old needlework done. However, one thing will change: new ink tech means that vegetable-based tats can be removed in as little as one laser session, and with almost no pain. So one thing will change: tats won’t be as permanent as they once were. Well, we guess tats won’t be forever anymore…but we still think that they’ll be around forever.
If we had to named the least annoying females in the Kardashian-Jenner empire, we guess we’d have to go Kendall and Kylie Jenner. How many of you thought we were going to say Bruce? We thought we’d do it to, but we’re suckers for patriots and therefore will never truly smack talk an Olympic Hero. So anyhow, Bruce’s daughter bother us the least out of all the kids, as they’ve used their unwarranted fame as reality stars to launch modeling careers that they might’ve had anyway, and they don’t seem to be nearly as entitled and horrendously self centered as their older sisters. Granted, they do hang around Justin Bieber and Harry Styles and are therefore never going to be totally okay in our view, but they’re not so bad otherwise…they also have Bruce Jenner blood in them, so at any given moment they could spontaneously win a gold medal in some sport no one watches except when the Olympics are on and become heroes to us all. Also, they might someday be covered in tattoos, so we’ve gotta be cool with them.
So now you might ask: “What makes you think that they will someday be covered in ink?” Well folks, the fact that they’ve entered their “Ohhhh you’re such a good artist Karen, draw a tattoo on meeeee!!” stage makes us think that they might have some actual tattoos in their future. Just to clarify, we’re assuming that they have an artistic friend named Karen, and she really likes to do fake tattoos with a Sharpie marker on her friends. So Karen did some surprisingly solid work on the Jenner sisters, because Kylie was showing off a little gun design on her side recently, and Kendall was rocking a steer skull on her finger; both looked pretty real in pictures. The act of getting fake tattoos after the age of 18 is of course kind of stupid, since one can legally get a real piece of body art at that point in their life, but whatever, Kendall got something put on her body that we could see being sold at a rest stop in New Mexico (the kind that you see signs for all over the highway, so you get really excited for it, but when you get there all they sell is weird Navajo blankets and fireworks…we’re looking at you “South Of The Border”), so she gets weird point for that. Her little sister, while too young for a real tattoo, isn’t too young for dumb ideas and got a handgun on her ribs…because you know, she’s so street. Ugh, that’s terrible, but she’s a kid, so whatever. We’re looking forward to these two getting actual tattoos someday
This one is going to upset some of you folks, because it sure as heck upset us! Recent reports have surfaced claiming to have discovered Lisa Vanderpump’s hidden tattoo, but we’re not going to accept them. We’re sure by now you’ve looked at the photos on this page, taken while she was getting her nails done, and assumed that the little peanut on her ankle is the “tattoo” in question; you’re right, but we’re not going to give her any credit. The thing on the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star’s lower leg is definitely an ink mark put into her skin by an electric needle, sure, we’ll give her that. However, that “piece” represents one of our least favorite things in the world: tattoos so small that they might as well not exist. It’s suspected that the little niblet is a heart of some sort (looks more like some kind of play on the infinity symbol to us), but whatever it is obviously isn’t important enough to take up real space. If it means a lot to her and it’s for something special, than we’re sorry if we upset her, but it’s hard for us to believe that it’s anything that important when it’s barely visible. Ink like this just screams ”I want to say I’m tattooed but don’t really want to commit to getting a real tattoo”, and we are strongly against non-committal tattoo work. The whole point of getting ink is that you’re marking yourself permanently, that you’re committing to having something on your body. So when you half-ass a tattoo, it shows us that you don’t really mean it. Look, we all have tattoos that we aren’t happy with, but they remind us of times in our life and where we came from, and if they’re bad they remind us that we’ve made mistakes. Getting a piece that small breaks our code, and we’re not happy about that. In her defense, she doesn’t actually show it off, so she’s not looking for credit, but to those who are trying to say that “she has a wild side” or a “hidden past”: drop it, that tattoo only shows that she doesn’t go big.
Someone always has to ruin it for the rest of us…every…freaking…time. Much like Hitler gave weird mini-mustaches a bad name when he decided to make an inept attempt to take over the world, Aaron Hernandez has probably set athletes with tattoos back a solid three decades by being a complete piece of crap. How has he set us all back? Well the act…or * ahem *…acts that he’s perpetrated to set his brother in ink back are multiple shootings, one of which was a murder. Not only did the former New England Patriot’s tight end shoot one of his former friends a while back, but he recently orchestrated one of the sloppiest and most poorly planned murders in history. So now as the heavily tattooed Hernandez awaits a trial that will almost surely produce a conviction or a lengthy plea deal, the National Football League (NFL) is reportedly considering bringing in experts to review the tattoos of incoming players (signed from the draft or as rookie free agents) to rule or confirm possible gang ties and/or criminal ties. You got it folks, just as having tattoos was becoming just another thing, this idiot has gone and turned every kid with a quick forty yard dash and some bad tribal work into a possible perp. We have to imagine that the NFL Players Association (NFLPA) will take issue with the idea, but seeing as how Hernandez reportedly is/was in his high school days a gang member who may in fact have gang tattoos on him, it’s going to be a hard point to argue. It should also be noted that experts have expressed concern that Hernandez will be a target in jail because of his possibly criminal ink, but we’re pretty sure the a dude of his size with the kind of bank account and reputation was going to be a target anyway, so his ink is kinf of a moot point. We would’ve been more surprised if no one messed with him, especially people who hate the Patriots and lack mental stability…which is a ton of people. Anyhow, once this practice becomes common in football, expect it to find its way into other leagues and sports. So if you’re trying to make a career out of being an athlete, maybe reconsider getting your block number inked on your arm, or be ready to spend a lot of cash on laser removal when the time comes to pose for that Wheaties box.
The best part of the National Basketball Association features some of the world’s best athletes performing at a level that few people could ever even hope to see in person, let alone achieve…it also features a ton of tattoos. Most of them are your average run of the mill ink pieces, featuring children’s names, astrological symbols, and life motto…some of them aren’t so average though. Now we know we said that the ink in this article is “seriously bad”, but perhaps we’re overstating, these tattoos are just different…and kind of weird if we’re being honest. As you can see in the headline picture, Andrei Kirelenko of The Utah Jazz leads the way with his…ummmmmm…whatever that is. It appears to be some sort of winged beast; perhaps of destiny or perhaps of destruction, we don’t really know. Whatever it is, we wouldn’t want it to be real, because it would probably eat us and poop out our remains on a family picnics. It also makes him look kind of like an extra in a Russian Mafia movie, but who are we to judge…just in this situation, not the rest of the times we judge people.
Next up we have Maverick’s star Deshawn Stevenson, who really likes Abraham Lincoln. Now there’s nothing wrong with this at all, we just can’t see ourselves tattooing a president on our necks, even if he was one of the best. Now we can kind of assume that te ink is rooted in the concept of Lincoln abolishing slavery, and that as an African American, Stevenson wants to rep the man who changed the world…but still, the neck is a strong statement.
Finally, we have Miami Heat contributor Udonis Haslem, who loves his state…way more than most people love anything apparently. We know this because he has a giant picture of the state of Florida inked on his back. We really wish that he would’ve gone with an orange instead, or maybe a gator, or a meth head, any of the images that represent Florida really. So yeah, NBA players are just like anyone else, and sometimes they get silly with their tattoos.
If you don’t know who Lena Dunham is, then you either live under a rock or you’re our grandparents, because it seems that you can’t check out an entertainment blog or turn on the television without hearing someone talk about her show “Girls”. The show tells the stories of a group of twenty-somethings living in hipster-capitol Brooklyn, New York; detailing their various adventures in sex, drugs, and rock & roll. It also features Dunham, who writes and stars in the HBO hit, showing plenty of skin (she’s not in the best shape ever, but appears nude none-the-less, which we think is really admirable of her, not everyone has that kind of confidence); including the skin that contains a couple of her real life tattoos (and one fake one).
We will start with the two pieces of ink that we’re not going to show and finish strong with the tats that we get a peak at. First off, there’s the fake ink she has on the show, which is a snake wrapped around a moon (it was done with a safety pin per the storyline); we’re not going to show it because we consider it a spoiler for those who haven’t seen the fine piece of television…which we also don’t watch, but not because it’s not good, we’re just kind of dumb and don’t get it (imagine how most of you feel about the Mona Lisa, that’s how we feel about “Girls”). Anyhow, we’ve also heard that she had a friend of hers (Jemima Kirk, also of “Girls” fame) ink a Yorkshire Terrier on her ribcage. We can’t find any pics of it…again because we’re stupid, but we’re sure it’s there. Next up we have her “cow in a meadow” shoulder piece that she found in a children’s book. It’s very well done, and while it’s not the most common subject matter, it’s still a solid piece of art that means something to Dunham and doesn’t annoy us in any way. Finally we have her “broken home” back piece that was inspired by the book “Eloise”. Again, it’s a nice piece that we have zero issues with. Dunham says that she got most of her tattoos before the age of 21, during a time when she was feeling particularly body conscious. She got her ink as a form of control over her body; that’s one of the coolest reasons we’ve ever heard of for someone having tattoos. For now, Dunham says that she’s done with big pieces, but doesn’t rule out having more small work done. We’ll keep an eye on her; you keep an eye on us.